i just wanna belong.

Currently feeling: Perplexed
Currently listening to: Here I Am - Natalie Gauci

Have you ever felt like you didn't really belong where you are ?
It's a shitty kinda feeling I tell you.


xoxo

parcel.

Currently feeling: Lazy
Currently listening to: Somebody To Love - Brittany Murphy

I'm at the computer lab waiting for my 4pm class to start.
Last Wednesday Nanab accompanied me to the post office to get my parcel. Imagine how I felt when I saw what was written on the box.

Firstly, I didn't know anyone in Dubai. Secondly, I didn't know anyone by the name of Mohammad Hassan. Hehe. Thirdly, no one knows my address here in Shah Alam. So it kinda freaked me out la. I kept shaking the box before actually opening it. When I finally had the guts to open it, these were in it:

It turned out that Daddy ordered an English translation of the Qur'an and a few other books for me.
Thank you Daddy.

Last Thursday saw Cha, Izza, Ayu and I karaoke-ed our hearts out at Selayang Mall (hey, that's the nearest we could go from Selayang Hospital okay. hee). I had a blast even though I was in my baju kurung. Hehe.
Chatted with the ex that night. Well, it wasn't that bad. He uttered the usual stuff. But there was no tension whatsoever.
My test that Friday morning was funny. Yeah, funny. Shall not elaborate on that.

I had McD's with the guy I currently have the hots for last Friday night. It was a nerve wrecking experience. Hehe.
Was at the faculty the whole day on Saturday as we had a Modul Keusahawanan Bumiputera or that's what I thought we had. I dreaded the whole thing ! I didn't get anything beneficial out of it, well I did laugh too much but I felt that I just wasted 8 hours of my time. Sigh.

I'm having serious trouble understanding people who don't use their brains think before they speak.
xoxo

i'm smitten part 2.

Currently feeling: Restless

Currently listening to: Gravity - John Mayer

It has been quite awhile since I've listened to this song. I ♥ John Mayer this song.

Here's the thing, I have recently developed this huge crush on a guy I've known for a few years but just recently got close to. And, no, I'm not gonna disclose who he is, yet. Hee.
And I feel like a fool because I think he knows.
Malu okay !
Sigh.

I'm becoming a hopeless case nowadays.
I would go online everyday, hoping to see him online.
Every time my phone rings/beeps, I'm hoping that it would be him.
And if it's not, I'd be so let down and start getting so anxious all over again while waiting for the next time he would sms me.

Just the sight of him is enough to keep me smiling the whole day through.
He's driving me crazy.

So now I'm overwhelmed with all these ridiculous emotions. Paranoia included.

Why paranoia ? Well, because I get all worked up if he doesn't show up online or sms me. My mind starts making assumptions and jumping to nonsensical conclusions.
Hey, I've never been a really optimistic person, as you all might already know.

So yeah, it's embarrassing and it's driving me insane.
It's sooo hard to keep my cool whenever we bump into each other.

This has gotta stop.
I've gotta make this stop.
Does it have to stop ?

I don't want it stop.
Because currently he's the only thing that is making me smile.

Phew. I'm glad I got that off my chest.
And I bet I've got all of you curious right now eh ?

xoxo

ascites.

Currently feeling: Restless
Currently listening to: Memories - Eisley

I've just managed to finish my presentation slides for tomorrow.
I've got my Pharmacy Practice IV test right after the presentation tomorrow and I haven't studied a thing.

Oh by the way, I'm at Selayang Hospital's computer lab.
Our ward's pharmacist is on leave today and the patient which case Ayu and I clerked this week was discharged yesterday. So basically, we've got nothing to do here.
We're planning to go galavanting in awhile though. Wheee !

xoxo

i'm smitten.

Currently feeling: Anxious
Currently listening to: With You - Chris Brown

Hello.
I am almost done with my slides for this Friday's presentation.

It's absurd how anxious I am feeling now. Just because of you.
You make me smile, please stay for awhile.

xoxo

10D.

Currently feeling: Melancholic
Currently listening to: Something To Believe In - Aqualung

Stepping into the exact ward Mummy stayed and passed away in just now wasn't as easy as I thought.
It was heartbreaking.
There was a part of me which felt like jumping out of the window because I couldn't stop crying.
Bits and pieces of what happened were haunting me everywhere I turned.


I'm ok now I guess. Ok tak ok, kena ok kan gak la kan ?
Just because I cry easily, it doesn't mean that I am not strong, right ?
I just have hyperactive lacrimal glands ?
Well that's what people have been telling me.
As for me, I don't feel strong.

I am not strong.


xoxo

slap my brain.

Currently feeling: Stupid
Currently listening to: There's Hope - India.Arie

Okay so today is one of those days where I feel like slapping my own brain outta my head.
My first day at Selayang Hospital was okay. Alhamdulillah. I didn't have any sad flashbacks or anything of that sort. But then again, we weren't brought to the wards yet. Will be, tomorrow though. So yeah, after getting back from the hospital at about 2 pm, I decided to go to the post office as someone sent me a a parcel or something and I need to go pick it up as soon as possible. So, I took two buses there. It was only when I have reached there, I realized that I didn't have my IC with me. Stupid kan ? Macam mana nak ambil if tak ada IC weyh ! You feel like slapping my brain too, right ?
To add salt to the wound, two of the buses I tried to stop to get back home didn't wanna stop. Aren't bus stops meant for buses to STOP ?? I was sooooo freaking pissed off. Sweaty and pissed off ! I ended up walking from the post office to PKNS. In the bloody hot sun. I was bathing in sweat by the time I reached PKNS. Ergh. Bengang gila. Two bloody hours of my time wasted, for nothing !

Sigh.

My hair needs a trim.

xoxo

only fools rush in.

Currently feeling: Contemplative
Currently listening to: With You - Chris Brown

I have somehow fallen head over heels with this song.
I like the butterflies in stomach feeling it kinda gives me.

I woke up at around 5 am this morning, because I was feeling bloated and nauseated. Had difficulty of going back to bed.
It's not that I didn't eat, I had KFC yesterday okay.

I don't know how to describe all these emotions and thoughts that are going through me at the moment.

Nicked this off somewhere.

There is a difference between lust and love. Lust is passionate love, and that's the kind of love where you can't think of anything else but them and you feel tingly every time they touch you and you can't keep your hands off each other. Passionate love is important in a relationship, but it tends to dissipate with time. If a relationship/marriage is successful, then with the decline of passionate love there will be an increase in companionate love.
Companionate love is a truer and more lasting love. This is where love might not be as passionate, but it consists of trust, intimacy that is not necessarily sexual, and commitment. That is where the difference of being "in love" and "loving" someone. When someone says "I love you I'm just not in love with you" it means they are no longer sexually attracted to you and they are not willing to put in the commitment and work to pursue companionate love.

I'd have to admit that what we had, or more precisely, what I had for him, was passionate love and passionate love alone. Which sadly melted away and there's just nothing left now.
I am not saying that I am ecstatic with how things have turned out, but I am content with saying that I made the right decision and I am not turning back.
He deserves to be with someone who doesn't question whether she should be with him. With someone who doesn't need a pros and cons list to figure out how she feels about him.

I am still glad and thankful that our paths crossed.
Every relationship is a lesson.

How could I have possibly fallen out of love, when I was never really in it in the first place ?

I have always been told not to let people walk all over me.
I do not think I'm really good in doing that.

You people know how I have been babbling about so and so in my previous posts, right ? It's funny, because I am still talking to her. Still being nice to her. It makes me sound like I'm some sort of a hypocrite, doesn't it ?
Well, it's not that I'm pretending to be nice to her or anything (okay maybe sometimes I am), it's just that when things are okay, they're okay la. But when they're not, they're just not. I have no bad intentions whatsoever towards her and I certainly do not wanna see her in despair or anything.
It's just that when she gets her 'mulut cabul mode' on, I can't help it but to rant here since I don't have the cheek to tell her straight up that I don't appreciate her demoralizing remarks.
I think that's what anyone who happens to be in the same situation as I am should do, confront the other person. The person might not even know they're hurting you because they're doing it out of fun or they were just brought up that way. So if anyone crosses the your line, you should let them know that you will not tolerate all the nonsense. You've gotta be bold enough to stand up for yourself and what you believe in.
And, not let others even attempt to walk all over you.

Hmm.

I have been getting close with someone whom I never thought I would.

Priorities change as you get older.

I have learnt that it's never good to rush into anything. Anything at all.

Hmm.

xoxo

positivity.

Currently feeling: Restless
Currently listening to: To Know Him Is To Love Him - Amy Winehouse

Annisa and I was at Sunway Pyramid yesterday.

Thank you very much for the post-Valentine's breakfast/lunch/dinner dear ! Hehe.
Oh and also for the tour of your lovely new abode.
We still have to go on a movie date !

Yamin, Laoshi, Kak Nor and I watched Jumper at Jusco, Bukit Raja last night. It was a bit of a disappointment though. It somehow lacked, erm, depth ? It was just, okay.

I have been surrounding myself with too much negativity lately.
This has gotta stop. Or else I'd end up in an asylum before I even turn 30.
I have been reminded over and over again not to ever let anyone stop me from being happy.
I guess I need to try harder.

From now on, I shall be taking what she (or any insignificant person who tries to break my spirit) says with a pinch of salt.

Oh by the way, my lappie screen is back with me. Got it back last Thursday with the help of Heikal.
So far so good. Alhamdulillah.

I have realized that things are never going to work out.
It's sad that it took me too long to realize it.
Yes, this is what I want and no, I'm not changing my mind.

I'm moving on.

Hmm, it seems like these days everyone talks bad about everyone, don't they ?

Okay, goodnight.

xoxo

hang on.

Currently feeling: Better than awhile ago
Currently listening to: Are You Happy Now - Michelle Branch

I'm gonna get through this.
I have been dealing with her antics for two years now.
Another few months won't hurt that much, kan ? I sure hope so.
I can.


Ah, I'm hungry.

xoxo

room.

Currently feeling: Sad
Currently listening to: Bruised But Not Broken - Joss Stone

She's at it again.

She has no idea that she has been emotionally and mentally battering me.
Maybe I should just leave this place.
Call me a baby, but I just cannot live with insensitive idiots people.
I believe that you've always gotta think before you say anything. Anything at all.
Terlajak perahu boleh ditarik balik, terlajak kata binasa.
I believe that true friends don't tell you and make fun of the fact that you're fat (or not).
They don't tell you you're serabut, tak lawa or anything along the same lines of those (unless you've asked for their honest opinion) over and over again.
Most importantly, they don't make you feel low, unpretty and dejected. Like she has been doing to me.

Maybe it's my fault for not pointing out to her that she has been bruising my self esteem.
It's my fault for keeping mum.
So yeah, I don't blame her. I guess it's all on me.

I
should
just
leave.


xoxo

my stumpy's getting engaged.

Currently feeling: Overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions
Currently listening to: You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette

Diana just called to tell me that she's gonna be getting engaged end of this May.

OMG.

My lil' Stumpy is getting engaged !
I am sooooo happy for her.

Okay, I feel like crying now.

xoxo

white coat.

Currently feeling: Sleepy
Currently listening to: Stop and Stare - OneRepublic

I have a case report to complete. I am too darn lazy.
I have a presentation to get started on. I am just sick of looking at Microsoft PowerPoint.
I have a test next week to study for. I am experiencing severe loss of interest.
I mean, I need a break. Please ?

I am in Shah Alam, doing my laundry at the moment. Washing one whole week's load of dirty clothes with a semi automatic washing machine is a good form of exercise I tell you. Note: I can't wash everything at one go. Hee.

Annisa would be dropping by later and we'd be hanging out for a bit. We have so much to catch up on !

Marc has a test today. Hope he does okay.

I miss the sister. (Kau rindu aku tak ? Hee.)
I miss Daddy. I know he misses me and my incessant chatter too. Hehe.

Ayu and I was at Hospital Putrajaya last week for our case clerking. Apart from all the scary stories the previous groups told us, about how stern the pharmacists there were, I think everything went pretty well.
I'd be in Selayang from next week onwards. I hope that goes okay.

The faculty had our annual White Coat Ceremony (white coat, because all of us have to put on our lab coats) yesterday afternoon. It is where we have to recite our 'pharmacist's oath', and where all the dean's list award recipients would receive their certificates. The Dean had a little chat with us after that. It's good to know that he's concern about what's going on with us.

I shall go get ready now.

xoxo

steamboat monday.

Currently feeling: Flabby
Currently listening to: Chocolate - Snow Patrol

I had steamboat with these people last Monday night.

Zana, Nanab and I.

Say hello to my case clerking partner, Ayu.

The night was good.

xoxo

stop it will you ??

Currently feeling: Tired
Currently listening to: Garden Of Love - Aqualung

I am generally okay. Alhamdulillah.
Well apart from this cough I have been having for days now, I am grateful and I have no complains about how things are at the moment.

But please excuse me as I just need to let this out.

This happened at my faculty this evening, as I was walking with Nanab.

Friend: (loudly, in front of her bloody friends) Mel, kau dari mana ? Apsal kau tak lawa eh ?
Me: Heh ?
Friend: Apsal kau tak lawa ? Apsal kau tak lawa macam aku ??
Me: Kau lawa ke ?
Friend: Lawa, lawa !

GOODNESS ME !
Was that really necessary ?
Please bear in mind that this is the same person I ranted about here.
Even Nanab was shocked and was wondering how I could actually tolerate all the shitty remarks she has been throwing at me all this while. Nanab knows I don't usually lash back out at her.
But the fact that she had the audacity to talk to me like that in front of her bloody friends (she did the exact same thing a few days ago) really irked the hell out of me !
Nanab was trying to console me by saying that maybe the fact that she is not beautiful (well, I think she's okay looking la), makes her insecure which in the end drives her to say such things. She kept reminding me not to let her get to me.
But hello ? I don't give a fuck why la kan. I don't even care if she was joking. There are limits to jokes okay. Silly jokes I can take.
But that, to me (and Nanab), was just plain rude, something only an imbecile would say.
Mak bapak tak ajar manners ke weyh ?
It took one bloody bitch person to ruin the rest of my day.
Seriously la okay, I am so angry right now that I am shivering !
I don't even give a damn if she reads this. I sure hope she does.
Blergh.
Bloody fucker.

Okay, done.
Phew.


xoxo

5 times a day for 7 days.

Currently feeling: Unwell
Currently listening to: Marvelous Things - Eisley

Dear big teeth,
I chose not to do as told just to get at you.
It's bad enough that I allow you to toy with my self esteem.

I haven't been answering calls or replying smses from the ex's family. I just don't want to. I don't owe them anything. I owe myself the opportunity to move on with my life without any hindrance.
I do feel bad. But you've got to be cruel to be kind, eh ?

The ex tried to strike up a conversation online with me two days ago.
It was then that I realized that I don't really care about him anymore.
Whatever goes on in his life is none of my concern anymore.
Well, it's about time. Alhamdulillah.

It couldn't have arrived at a better time, could it ? Sigh. Sad okay.
I have to keep reminding myself to be patient.
I was reminded by Cheryl that when it rains, it pours.
But every cloud has a silver lining.

Haha this post is like a little composition on idioms or something.

The sister just left for home with Daddy. Sobs.
Daddy was here since this afternoon.
He took me to the pharmacy to get my medication.

Dear you, I am truly sorry for how things have turned out.
I really hope you're okay.

Goodnight.

xoxo

kit kat.

Currently feeling: Off
Currently listening to: You Make Me Sick - P!nk

I need a break.

xoxo

i'm this close.

Currently feeling: Like strangling my r****** to death
Currently listening to: Don't Walk Away - Bethany Joy Galleotti

This is interesting.

On a whole separate note, can I just say that I have a r****** who is just plain mean and idiotic ? Remember this (click here, please) ? She's person bitch number 2.
I mean what kind of a person would actually say something like what she just did. Whether she meant it or not is besides the point.
Demoralizing remarks like that are just uncalled for.
I'm like thisclose to 'exploding' and dissing her huge teeth and thinning hair right in front of her face !
You heard me, HUGE TEETH and THINNING HAIR !

ERGGGHHHHHH !

Maybe today just isn't my day.

xoxo

of lessons.

Currently feeling: Sleepy
Currently listening to: With You - Chris Brown

Lesson 1: Don't fall in love. It gives you aches, cuts and bruises.

Lesson 2: Don't fall out of love. It happens, yet it remains a crime.

Lesson 3: Don't ever take money from strangers/people other than your family. They'll use it against you, and you'll end up being accused of being some sort of a gold digger (which if not true, would make you feel LIKE SHIT). That's for sure.

Lesson 4: Stop trying to be nice and trying to look out for other people's feelings. It doesn't get you anywhere.

Okay.
Lessons learnt.

xoxo

this is for heikal.

Currently feeling: Satiated
Currently listening to: Babydoll - Mariah Carey

THANK YOU.
From the bottom of my heart.

xoxo

it's love that holds us.

Currently feeling: Melancholic
Currently listening to: Butterfly - Corrine Bailey Rae

I miss them.

xoxo

ridiculous ideas.

Currently feeling: like I'm gonna have a terrible sore throat
Currently listening to: Open Your Eyes - Snow Patrol

Yeah, my throat is itching. It's all because of the s***loads of mandarin oranges, tarts and egg biscuits I devoured within the past few days.

I now have 137 photos in my Friendster. I feel that it's a tad ridiculous. I mean who would scroll through 100 photos of you, except yourself (don't deny it, we all know you do).
But I can't help clicking the Upload Photos button the second I have new photos and time to spare.

I have tonnes and tonnes of requests of Facebook which I have yet to approve. Just the thought of going through them one by one gives me panic attack. Joking, joking. But something like that la. Hee.
Ignore je semua boleh tak ? Hee.

By the way, I'm back in Shah Alam.
The sister's here with me. Atia's here too and Ina would be back tonight I think.
Currently working on my presentation slides.
Tummy's growling. I need meat !
Wah, that sounded barbaric.

It's amusing la how people try to scare me by writing rubbish in my shoutbox.
I sympathize with you crazy idiotic people because you don't have anything better to do with your pathetic little life. Kesian kamu tau. Sigh.

I bruised my lips when my phone slipped from my hand and fell on my mouth. Sakit okay !

How is it that you always think you're right ?
How is it that you have the ability to make almost everyone around you feel bad ?
Why is it that everything that comes out from every one else's mouth is ridiculous ? And not when it's from yours ?

xoxo

this is for faridah.

Currently feeling: Pained
Currently listening to: Itu Kamu - Estranged

Happy 24th Birthday Baby !

Love you.

P.S: Yes, yes, we need a get together and new photos together. Busy la semester ni weyh !

xoxo

screen.

Currently feeling: Hot
Currently listening to: Nothing

It's almost Thursday and I can say that my break has been rather unproductive so far. I overdosed on sleep (fatal overdosing I tell you), food and exercise. But there are no regrets. I'd be going back to Shah Alam tomorrow after visiting Uncle Tan and family. Then it's back to work. Sigh.

My lappie has been at the Acer Service Centre since last Friday for it's screen has been giving me problems for quite some time now. Since I needed my lappie back, erm, today, Heikal went to Subang to check on it for me.
Apparently they sent my little screen to Taiwan. Hmm.
They gave me back my lappie with a temporary screen (?), which I would have to bear with until my screen comes all the way back from Taiwan. According to the people there, that would be in three weeks time.
Hmm.

Gong Xi Fa Cai and Xinnian Kuaile people !

xoxo

cash.

Currently feeling: Messed Up
Currently listening to: Marc playing the guitar

I promised myself that I would put up a strong front in front of them.
I promised myself that I would never break down in front of them.
I promised myself that no matter what happened, I should always smile, make dumb jokes, laugh it off and pretend that nothing is bugging me when in actuality I feel like I have the weight of the whole world on my shoulders.

I broke that promise today.

Fuck. I hate myself.

xoxo

8 random facts/habits about me.

Currently feeling: Sleepy
Currently listening to: Itu Kamu - Estranged

Okay so I know I have been listening to this song a lot. Can't help it okay. *blushes*

I was tagged by Hanna ages ago. Sorry babe, I've been busy ! Hee.
But here I go...

The Rules:
1. Each blogger must post these rules first.
2. Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I am a very very sensitive/emotional person. And I cry easily. Okay, I guess that obvious.
2. I love to sing. A lot.
3. I think I'm fat. I starve myself and work out excessively sometimes, just because of that.
4. I have never cleaned a bathroom in my entire life.
5. I rarely go shopping. Very rarely. I'm not like every other normal girl out there. I have my reasons though.
6. I have frequent monologues. So frequent you would think I'm nuts.
7. I can eat chicken 24-7 without getting bored.
8. I can't drive. At all. Yes, I do have a license. But I guess some people were born to be driven ! Haha.
   

I'm tagging:
1.Alice
2.Baby
3.Cheryl
4.Feli
5.Mynn
6.Osya
7.Gan
8.Consuela


xoxo

shudder.

Currently feeling: Nauseated
Currently listening to: Itu Kamu - Estranged

I have been having trouble sleeping since Saturday night.
I have been having visions of what happened that morning as Marc and I was exiting Shah Alam to KL to pick up Marlene.
We witnessed an accident. A girl on a bike was knocked down by a car. We saw her being thrown on the road in such a gruesome manner. Marc stopped the car and we got down to take a look. We shuddered by the very sight of her laying down on road with her head, body and hands all twisted. She was quivering in pain. I was shivering and almost in tears.
She just laid there, I was hoping to myself that she would just get up and things would be okay. But she didn't.
The car who knocked her just drove off. Jahat gila kan ?!
I felt soo helpless. I was afraid of touching her or moving her in any way. But soon, there were others who stopped and one of them carried her into his car and brought her to the hospital. We would have followed too if it wasn't for Marlene who was waiting for us at KL Sentral.
It was sad, really sad. I was so sick to my stomach. I couldn't get the entire picture out of my head. The same goes for Marc. Sigh.
I feel sad.
Poor girl.
Sigh.
The guy who knocked her down was such an irresponsible and heartless man ! I mean, maybe it wasn't exactly his fault but he could have just got down to at least help the poor girl.
Double sigh.

I was at the pasar malam just now and I bumped into Beverlyn, Cheryl and Kingsley !
Awww, I miss my Gombak people ! Sobs.

On a happier note, Cheryl kata I kurus ! Yay ! Haha.

xoxo

karma.

Currently feeling: Rejected
Currently listening to: Itu Kamu - Estranged

Hello.
My mid semester break has just started and I'm home. It wouldn't be much of a break because I've got a presentation that I've gotta prepare by this Friday and a case report to complete.

But it started out pretty okay, with me going to Sunway Lagoon yesterday with the siblings, Linn (Marc's girlfriend), her two little sisters and a few of her friends. I was a bit hesitant to go but Linn had free tickets, and the last time I was there was 4 years ago, so what the heck kan ?

We spent most of the time at the wet park, the dry park was closed a bit later in the evening due to the rain. So we only managed to go on a few rides there. The Tomahawk rocks ! Hee.
Personally, I don't feel that going there is worth the quite hefty entrance fee. Hmm.

I'm slightly sunburnt now.

Karma scares me right now.

xoxo