clozapine and valproate.

Currently feeling: Anxious
Currently listening to: Emotion - Destiny Child

I don't know why I'm feeling really uneasy about tomorrow's presentation.
I'm not sure whether it's the talking in front of the pharmacists part or the embarrassment of not being able to answer the questions they throw at me part that I'm actually worried about.

PH210, Part 08, all the best !

My English teacher while I was in Form 2, Pn. Roslina Baghawi passed away earlier tonight due to cancer. Sedihnya.
Al-Fatihah.

xoxo

aeroburn.

Currently feeling: Unwell
Currently listening to: Bold As Love - John Mayer

Uh oh, I'm not feeling too good.
Nauseated. My head hurts. My tummy's uncomfortable. My chest feels heavy.
I couldn't even finish my workout.

xoxo

ready for this jelly.

Currently feeling: Hungry !
Currently listening to: Stand Up For Love - Destiny's Child

I just realized that the last time I changed my mood at imood.com was on September 12, 2007.

Not that it's a matter of life and death, but I have been feeling fat for over six months now. That cannot be a good thing.
So, I've decided to change.

I'm bootylicious baby !
What say you ? *batting eyelids*

Hee.

I think I've misplaced my calculator.
I'm not surprised though, considering the state my room is in right now, even a horse can get lost in it.
Okay la, not only right now, it has always been in such a state. Hee.

xoxo

esrd.

Currently feeling: Uncomfortable
Currently listening to: Teenage Love Affair - Alicia Keys

It's almost 10 am and I haven't slept. So maybe the Nescafe did help. I'm experiencing mild menstrual cramps. Sigh.
Case reports are done ! Wheee ! Alhamdulillah. Please remind me to never doubt myself ever again.
I'm taking a break before I concentrate on completing my case presentation slides.
My tummy's growling. Lapar nya !

xoxo

jangan minum nescafe, okay ?

Currently feeling: Optimistic
Currently listening to: If I Was Your Woman (Walk On By) - Alicia Keys

At this moment, Melissa is not acting like her usual self.

She just downed two cans of Nescafe to help her stay awake.
Note: She never drinks Nescafe.

She is not panicking, when she has barely started on her slides for next Tuesday's presentation and is only halfway through her two case reports which are due on the same day.
Note: She has always been the type who gets all frantic over the slightest things.

The most unusual thing is, she is having pretty positive thoughts about a few matters that have been bugging her all this while.
Note: She usually has negative thoughts planted in her head 99.9% of the time.

Okay, so she's starting to feel drowsy right now. The two cans of Nescafe were obviously a waste of money. It's giving her a head and tummy ache instead. Blergh.

Must
not
give
up.



xoxo

dispensing rights.

Currently feeling: Sweaty
Currently listening to: Chocolate - Snow Patrol

Doctors to be disallowed from dispensing medicines.
Like, finally.

xoxo

screw and scratch.

Currently feeling: Sweaty
Currently listening to: Don't Walk Away - Bethany Joy

I've said this a million times before, some things that might not be of a big deal to you, could be a whole big of a deal to me. And, I really hate it when people brush away my feelings or make me feel as if what I'm feeling is unnecessary or insignificant.
Screw you.

I sent a few text messages to her. Over a period of a month.
She hasn't replied a single one.
It's like a replay of last year's sad movie.
I don't know why I allowed myself to hope that things would turn over for the better.
It seemed like it was only better for a fraction of a minute.
I shouldn't be wasting my time thinking of such people.
Screw you.

I haven't been able to stop scratching and as a result my arms and legs look ugly as hell now. Damnit.

I did more than two hours of workout just now.
My whole body's aching, but that's not gonna stop me from doing it again tomorrow. I'd work out until I collapse for all I care.
Just as long as I'm back to how I looked early last year.

Everyone's a hypocrite. One way or the other.
I'd be happy if someone is able to prove me wrong.

I'm feeling pretty stupid right now.
Wait, stupid is an understatement.
I'm feeling brainless.
I honestly feel like I don't belong here.
But there's no way I can run away. Now. Not anymore.
Fuck.

I am entitled to bitch/cry/whine/get all emotional on you right now because I am PMS-ing, okay ?
Thanks.

I'm in need of some ice cream and a movie.

Ergh.

xoxo

60.

Currently feeling: Hot
Currently listening to: In My Bed - Amy Winehouse

Let's talk about global warming.
Did you know that apart from droughts and fires, with continued warming, it can also lead to spreading of diseases, cause plants and animal range shifts and population changes ?
You, do your part, wherever you are.
This 29 March 2008 at 8pm (your local time), show some loving to Mother Nature by turning off your lights and non-essential electrical appliances for one hour. It's just 60 minutes out of the 1440 minutes we have in a day.
Believe me, you can make a difference. Do this for yourself, the people you love and our future generation.

Click here for more information. And, watch this.


xoxo

let's make babies.

Currently feeling: Okay
Currently listening to: He Can Only Her - Amy Winehouse

Oh boy, tonight's really warm. I feel like having a nice long cold shower.
But, malas.

I sent my Nikon for repair Wednesday afternoon.
Still contemplating whether it's worth repairing. It's gonna cost a bomb you know.
Sigh.

Annisa came all the way here to meet me that night. Thanks a whole lot dear.
We spent time updating each other with our latest stories at Pancake House International, Sunway Pyramid. That was also where the waiter who we asked to take our photos for us, asked us to take photos with him. Banyak pulak tu.
Ann, we still have to go on a movie date, okay ?

Mr. Sunshine came to watch Deadly Ghost with me later in the night.

Tiba-tiba rasa amat disayangi pulak.

I was reading my archives from my previous blog and some of the posts moved me a bit. Gosh, I'm a pretty sad person, am I ?
Right now, I'm actually very glad and grateful that I am over that dreadful phase of being so emotionally attached to something that I shouldn't have been attached to. I have managed to shake it off. Alhamdulillah.

Oh, oh, check this out.

Baby Alya yo !

I want babies of my own !
Now.
Hee.
Okay, I'll stop before I scare you people away.

I was a mess a few hours ago.
But thanks to dearest Gan and my Mr. Sunshine, I'm feeling oh-so-much better.
Thank you so much, you and you.

Ergh, this late night snacking has gotta stop.

xoxo

i wanna ride on an ostrich.

Currently feeling: Sleepy
Currently listening to: Grow Up And Blow Away - Metric

I AM BORED.
Sleepy, and BORED.
Nicked this off somewhere because I just couldn't help it.
Bear with me, people.

1. Today is: chilly. But I'm still having eczema flare ups. Ergh.

2. I should: be concentrating on completing my case presentation slides and my long overdue case reports.

3. The last text message I received was from: Annisa (rindu nya !)

4. And it said: "Dear Melissa, how are you dear ? :( It's been awhile and I miss you so. Terribly. Must meet up really soon. Hehe." (Woah. I can't believe I just wrote her whole message. Haha. Okay, somebody slap me please.)

5. I am currently pissed off because: oh hey, good news, I am not pissed off. Shocker ! Hee. I think it's because of the jogging I did this evening. Exercise is good for me !

6. My cellphone rings and the song that's playing is: Brooke Fraser's 'Deciphering Me'.

7. I would love to see: my mother, please ?

8. If I could change my last name, it would be: erm, I'm very happy with my last name, thanks.

9. After class, I love to: talk. Oh, I do that in class. Oh well, same thing.

10. My favorite subject is: probably English. No, I don't study English anymore. Sigh.

11. I liked yesterday because: Mr. Sunshine was super sweet !

12. But I still sort of didn't because: I had to attend a freaking boring class for 3 hours. *straight face*

13. My favorite song(s) right now would have to be: Jordin Spark's 'No Air'.

14. I sometimes forget to: breathe, and calm down.

15. I currently have a crush on: the same person I've been having a crush on for quite some time now.

16. My favorite number(s) would have to be: 10. I don't know why.

17. When I'm in a bad mood, it's better to just: shut up and kiss me. Haha.

18. I really can't stand: insensitive idiots.

19. I'd break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend right away if: he lied/cheated on me. Oh yeah, also if he hits me. I sure hope I remember that.

20. If I were to get stuck in an elevator with someone, it would have to be: my sister. Because she's the only person I can think of who can remain calm and collected in any situation.

21. I'd really like to improve my grades on: everything. Sigh.

22. The last thing that wasn't food that I bought with my own money is: err, I think it was a pair of flats from Vincci early last month.

23. The name of the street where I live is: Jalan SG 9/1 in Gombak. Jalan Plumbum here in Shah Alam. Yeah, Plumbum.

24. I have never ridden: an ostrich. Hey, the sister has, okay.

25. If I won the lottery, the first thing I would buy is: a car. Hey, after that boleh belajar memandu balik apa ! Hee.

26. One bad habit of mine is: my tendency to criticize myself.

27. I go to school in: a place where I can't wear mini skirts and baby tees. Sigh. Hee.

28. I study there because: I was offered a place there.

29. One friend who is not from my college is: missing me as much as I am missing her, I hope.

30. I am currently stressed because: I have a hell lot of work to do, yet here I am, sipping Pepsi (Yamin, saya minum awak punya Pepsi sikit ! Hee.) and thinking about ways to lose weight. Pepsi, how healthy. Sobs.

Okay, I'm off to bed.
Pleasant dreams everyone !

xoxo

this is unhealthy.

Currently feeling: Anxious
Currently listening to: Jika Kau Bercinta Lagi - Flop Poppy

I am experiencing a massive headache which I think is due to the extra amount of sleep I had last night.
Or is it because of the amount of junk food I have been stuffing myself with ?

I feel so unhealthy.
I need exercise.

I wanna watch Be Kind Rewind.

xoxo

nikon.

Currently feeling: Sad
Currently listening to: Anytime You Need A Friend - Mariah Carey

Okay, so the fact that my Nikon has malfunctioned is really making me sad now.
Especially when someone just messaged me on Friendster asking me what camera I use because she thinks I have nice photos.



Damn it.

xoxo

m&m's.

Currently feeling: Pained
Currently listening to: This Too Shall Pass - India.Arie

Why did McDonald's discontinue their McFlurry M&M's ?
It was my favourite !
Sobs.

xoxo

petty.

Currently feeling: Inadequate
Currently listening to: Like A Star - Corrine Bailey Rae

I'm not gonna change. For you.
Or for anyone else.
I have been like this for as long as I remember. I'm an emotional mess, I'm no angel because I curse and swear, I bruise easily and I get worked up over petty things.
Take me as I am.
Or just leave.
Thanks.

xoxo

you're my mr. sunshine.

Currently feeling: Fat
Currently listening to: Ashes And Wine - A Fine Frenzy

I'm in Gombak yo !
I got back yesterday evening. There are already some new houses halfway built near the surau here. That just shows how long I haven't been home.
It sucks that I'm back for too short of a duration to meet up with anyone here. Even Akey. Sobs.

I watched 27 Dresses with Mr. Sunshine (yes, that's what I'm calling you from now on) last Friday night.
The movie was predictable. Pleasantly predictable.
Jane Nichols reminds me of someone I know.

I was at McDonald's with Mr. Sunshine on Thursday night, trying to resolve some issues. Hehe.
The funny thing is, the ex was there as well, studying with his classmate at a table opposite ours. Simply put, every time I looked up, the first person I would see (if there's no one sitting in the table in between) is him. The last time I met him was at his sister's wedding which was about four months ago. I have been trying to avoid bumping into him ever since, just to avoid unnecessary emotions because I never thought I was strong enough.
But, much to my own amazement, that night didn't cause me to crumble into pieces. Okay, it tickled my funny bone a bit because there I was, with this guy I'm starting to fall head over heels for, and the guy whom I used to be so madly in love with was sitting right in front of me. Talk about awkward situations.
So yeah, it was not so bad, eh ?
I guess I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.

Hey, Mr. Sunshine, are you okay ? You're starting to make me worry.

Leaving for Shah Alam in a hour's time. I better get packing.

xoxo

oily hair

Currently feeling: Okay
Currently listening to: Your Body Is A Wonderland - John Mayer

I got my hair chopped off a week ago.

It's more than three inches shorter than how it used to be (that's a whole lot of hair okay !) and I'm still trying to get used it. I believe I look slightly younger (haha), and chubbier.
Is it only me or does shorter hair get oilier easily ? I have to shampoo it everyday nowadays which is something that I didn't usually have to do when it was longer.
My roots need retouching. I'm not used to seeing my hair in it's original colour anymore that it's making me sick. The sight of the top of my head really puts me off.
Hmm.

My eczema has been worsening.
Sigh.

xoxo

here i am.

Currently feeling: Touched
Currently listening to: Here I Am - Natalie Gauci

Can't we just confess
everything we hoped for
was leading up to this
I don't want to let it slip away
Staring at the window
suddenly I'm looking at an open door

I've waited all my life
On the verge of something
Never really knowing what it is
Stuck inside a long night
Till you broke through like daylight
Now I've found my place to land
Here I am
Oh, here I am

All I ever was
Everything I held on to
I lay down at your feet
Cause baby this is me
There's nothing left to hide, no no
There was something missing
And all the spaces filled up when I let you in

All the walls are coming down
and the only thing I've found
Is you
Oh, is you..

xoxo

be my holiday.

Currently feeling: Hungry
Currently listening to: Here I Am - Natalie Gauci

It's a public holiday tomorrow and I've got class.
Ergh.

I had more than 4 hours of happy happy karaoke-ing last night.
Thank you, awak.

xoxo

dear you.

Currently feeling: Contemplative
Currently listening to: Ways and Means - Snow Patrol

Who are we to decide whether we're good enough for anyone ?
That's what you keep telling me.

Yet, I still can't stop myself from thinking that you deserve to be with someone not like me.

Since the day we had that heart to heart conversation in which you had to deal with my confession(s), my mind hasn't been at peace.
I am extremely touched by the fact that even after all that you've heard, you still want to be with me when you can choose not to.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you're someone with no faults. It's true that everyone has their goods and bads.
I love you for your strong beliefs and principles, the way you think, the way you want to take care of me by not taking advantage of me and not letting others take advantage of me too. I love you for giving me a sense of direction and assuring me that you would hold my hand and for giving me the feeling that you'd be able to guide me onto the right path throughout life.
In my eyes, as naughty as you can be, you have a heart of gold and you are entitled to be with someone who's just like that.
Sadly, I am way far from being like that. Sigh.

At the same time, I'm at that stage where I don't think I can handle another heartbreak.
The stage where I don't wanna risk things not working out.
I'm at a stage where if this doesn't last, I would rather spend the rest of my life alone.

You can't imagine how insecure I feel with these thoughts of me being unworthy of you.
I am terrified, I get this feeling that you can just get up and walk away the minute you find someone better.
Terrified to the extent that I have even thought that maybe I should be the one to leave.

How I wish to hear you say you would never leave me and mean it.

I am aware that the power does not lie in our hands.
I am aware that you can't guarantee me anything. And I can't either.
We only have the power to plan and the rest is up to Him.

Sigh.

I just need a sign.
Something that would tell me this is meant to be.
Because..
I
just
want
this
to
last.

xoxo

talk is just talk.

Currently feeling: Sad
Currently listening to: Paper Bag - Fiona Apple

Tomorrow.
There's always tomorrow.
That's what we, well at least I, think most of the time.
"I'd do it tomorrow la."
"I'm so gonna starve myself tomorrow."
"I still have time tomorrow."
"I'll blog tomorrow."

I'm the great grandmother of all procrastinators !

What if tomorrow never comes ?

Mummy used to remind me not to keep till tomorrow what I can do today.
But I never listen, do I ?
Then I go on and on whining not having enough time to do this and that and of course, about being fat.

Sigh.

8 weeks of my hospital attachment ended last week. What a relief. No more waking up at 6 am and no more cases to clerk.
But I still have presentations after presentations to deal with every week. They're seriously starting to wear me out.
I just need to hold on as it's all gonna end in a couple of month's time, InsyaAllah, Aamin.

Last Monday night I had my pre-graduation dinner. I've gotta commend my juniors for a job well done because I had a real good time. Apart from the realization that I am finally in my final (hopefully) semester which moved me a little (sobs), the whole night was just great.
Our My performance singing was, well, so-so la.
Oh by the way, I looked like a huge as a hippo on that night. Blergh. Here are a few photos from that night.

Zana, Nanab and I.

Hee.

This is Syafiq yo !

Cha and Yamin.

Hippo performing. Blergh.

Class of 2008.

It still feels surreal.
But then again, it might not even be my last. Oh mintak dijauhkan, Aamin.

Hmm.
Oh well, moving on..

How can you say you don't like someone when you have never spoken to him/her or have never actually taken the time to get to know him/her personally ?

One thing that I have learnt is that you can never shut people's mouth.
If they decide that they don't like you, they'll talk about you and disapprove with anything you do even if you act like a saint. They'll just keep on talking and all we can do is just pretend to be deaf.

You should never judge a person by how they look/dress. Just because I don't cover up like some people do, doesn't mean that I go sleeping around with random men, go around getting drunk or anything along the same lines. Trust me, I have seen other people who dress piously act far worse than I do.

One thing I don't get is, why do some people enjoy making up silly/untrue stories about others ? Fitnah itu lebih besar dosanya daripada membunuh. You wouldn't believe the extent these people go with the stories they create. Another thing is that it's sad to see others believing in all these falsifications.

This is what Daddy had to say to me, "When people fitnah means you have something that they envy you for. The Surah An Nas and Al Falaq are good to recite daily. I am sorry for you as I know such malicious gossip sometimes hurt. But one must learn to cope as the truth will prevail sooner or later. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but talk is just talk. Concentrate on your studies - better."

Thank you Daddy.

At the end of the day, I guess what really matters is what the people dear to you think. They are the ones who really know who and how you really are. Don't let other insignificant dimwits break your spirit.

I can't and won't be a people pleaser.
From now on, the first person I'm gonna try to please is myself.
(The voice from the back of my head just said, "Yeah, righttt.")

I miss Gombak so badly I think I'm gonna cry now. Okay maybe I don't feel like crying (hehe) but seriously, I have been having cravings for my favourite Pan Mee that I can literally smell it from here. I have even been having visions of me jogging at the lake. Yes, it's that bad. Hee.

Last night I realized that I can hear my neighbour snoring from my room. Gila kuat. Hee.

There's this small cut on the sole of my left foot that hurts pretty bad. I don't know where I got it from though.

Okay la, I have a few cases to go through to choose for my final presentation. Read: Boring !
Sigh.

Oh boy, I'm starving. Hee.

xoxo

cloud nine.

Currently feeling: Tired
Currently listening to: In The Rough - Anna Nalick

I finished a pack of Cloud 9 20's in two nights.
Then I go on and on complaining about being fat, kan ?
Sigh.

I know I've mentioned this before, but singing and dancing makes me very very VERY happy !

Hope everything goes as planned and practiced tomorrow night. Hmm.

I miss Akey.

xoxo

fat and fugly.

Currently feeling: Fat and fugly
Currently listening to: Back To Black - Amy Winehouse

Am I gonna spend the rest of my life worrying and feeling guilty about every single thing I put in my mouth ?
Am I gonna spend the rest of my life shedding tears over these thoughts and feelings ?
Will I ever be able to get myself out of this ?
I am so so sad.
I am so sick of being like this.
I just wanna feel beautiful and at peace with myself.
I am so so tired !

xoxo

practice.

Currently feeling: Exhausted
Currently listening to: Hey Little Rich Girl - Amy Winehouse

I think I accidentally hurt a friend's feelings just now.
Blergh.

xoxo

030308

Currently feeling: Sore
Currently listening to: Sway - Bic Runga

Did you know that I refused to hitch a ride with anyone and walked through the rain just to spend a few minutes with you just now ?

I'm placing my heart in your hands. Please don't take me for granted.

xoxo

on technology.

Currently feeling: Pained
Currently listening to: Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol

Technology can be a pain in the a*** sometimes.
Unsent text messages or that are received late can be misinterpreted.
Text messages sent to the wrong person can get you in trouble too. But then again, that's not technology's fault, is it ? Hee.
Instant messages that are not replied (when you're either asleep, having your bath or just doing something else than sitting in front of you laptop/PC) can give the sender a negative vibe.
Technology can be the trigger factor of squabbles I tell you.

I bought myself a dress for my dinner today. Yay ! Nothing fancy, just a simple one.

My head hurts like hell. I need sleep.

I'm craving donuts.

It's not the head over heels kinda thing you would expect to have.
But I'm thinking of giving it a shot. Should I ?

xoxo

my hips don't lie.

Currently feeling: Perplexed
Currently listening to: The Beautiful Ones - Mariah Carey

Okay, so today wasn't as bad as I depicted in my previous post.
I had a good time, browsing through costumes and dresses with my housemates and a few of my classmates at Wangsa Maju and Mid Valley. I tried on a few, but didn't get anything (hint: huge hips). But Pojie, Yamin and Chona got themselves pretty pretty costumes ! I like.
Thanks Yamin and Laoshi, for driving us around. Hee.

I'd be going dress hunting again tomorrow I guess.
That is IF I manage to finish my presentation slides by tonight.
Or at least half of it.
Err, a quarter of it ?
Hee.

And hey, guess what, the guy I have the hots for, apparently has the hots for me too. How do I know ? He told me so.

xoxo

it's depressing.

Currently feeling: Disheartened
Currently listening to: Little Black Sandals - Sia

It's depressing when you have hips as huge as an elephant's leg.
It's more depressing when other people point it out like she did. (Fuck you, thank you.)
It's depressing when your hopes of something/one suddenly gets blurry.
It's depressing when you know you were once there, yet you're the one who screwed it all up.
It's depressing when you feel unpretty and insecure the whole time you're out when you're supposed to be having a good time with your friends.

It's so bloody fucking depressing !

I'm not happy, thanks.
I just wanna feel comfortable in my own skin, please.
I don't wanna hurt anymore, please.

But, right now, I just wanna cry.

xoxo

i miss home.

Currently feeling: Hungry
Currently listening to: Here I Am - Natalie Gauci

I just woke up from sleeping since 8 pm. I got back from our dinner performance practice at around 7:30 pm just now. Yeah, that's how exhausted I was. I haven't even had dinner. It's not that I was planning to anyway.

This week was crazy. Apart from missing the Backstreet Boys concert (haha) last Wednesday night because I had no transport as I had to be back in Shah Alam that night itself. I had my hospital clerkship the next morning.
This week also saw me being busy with my presentations (yawn !) and my faculty dinner performance practices. I'm gonna be singing (while some of them dance) yo ! And acting. By the way, I suck at the latter. Sobs.

I'd have to admit that I have a bunch of very talented classmates.
It's funny that the thought that it's our final semester together saddens me a bit. Hmm.

I haven't lost any weight which is pretty sucky as our dinner is only a week away. Should I just starve myself ?

I'm starting to think that I'd be single for the rest of my life.
Because I have too high expectations on how the man of my life should be. And it doesn't help that I am someone who is just too difficult to be with.
Plus, I'm too afraid of history repeating itself.
So yeah, I'm not only gonna die being a fat ass. I'd also be alone.
Sigh.

I miss home.
I miss Daddy.


xoxo